ITV 2

[Kanto]

Good evening friends, I'm Oprah Winfrey and I welcome you to The Oprah Winfrey Show, again on ITV 2.

Today we will have two guests to talk with about the recent events that happened in the war thorn America, please welcome Kanto's concubine number one Jennifer Morrison and the minister of culture, economy and healthcare of Kanto's Empire Paul Bearer.




OW: So Jennifer, Mr. Bearer, welcome to The Oprah winfrey show.

JM: Good evening Oprah, thanks for the invitation.

PB: Your hands are so cold, oh yes.

OW: Thank you. I'm glad you accepted my invitation, because there are many things going around now in Kansas and in the ASA. First I'll ask you Jennifer, how does Kanto react on the fact that his archrival, James Cameron was elected as the president of the ASA? Last time he was my guest and as you might have seen, if you watched my last show, he truly was very upset by the mere mention of James Cameron.

JM: Yes, he really dislikes James Cameron. I remember that before the nukes went off and before I became property of Kanto's Empire, I was in Hollywood on the ceremonial premiere of Avatar. Kanto was there too. During the entire ........ Get that hand off my chest you morbid pervert!

OW: Mr. Bearer, please!

PB: Your boobs are so warm, oh yes.

OW: Could you please continue, Jennifer?

JM: Yes, yes of course. Where did I end? Well, during the entire movie Kanto was shouting boooo and was throwing popcorn from the balcony at the people below. When the movie ended and the crowd aplauded, he was shouting: "What the hell did you people find so interesting about theese tall blue mother*uckers! That was not even a movie! That was worse than Teletubbies!"

OW: How did this extreme rivalry between Kanto and Cameron begin?

JM: From what I know, theese two are the directors of the top five highest grossing movies of all times. Kanto asllways tried to beat Titanic's record and when he finally did, with Kanto The Emperor Episode 16, it was only a few weeks before Cameron beat that with ease with his Avatar.

OW: Yes, I see. We have here a table containing the top ten highest grossing movies of all time:



OW: OK, so how did Kanto react when he first heared from the news that James Cameron lives and is in fact now our president?

JM: Very badly. We heared it on the radio from TWI. It was evening and I, Scarlet and Kanto were in bed. Although I'm his number one girl, at that time he was laying on Scarlet, which was lucky for me because immediatelly after he heared the news, he begain vomiting. After he was finished with throwing away his meal, he ran to the balcony and shouted a loud NOOOO. I saw the audio recording of this on the ITV 2 news yesterday. Well, that was the one. After that he was for several hours in shock. I and Scarlet tried to comfort him, but he kept shouting things like: "How can I ever buy again guns from the ASA store? What is it different from buying a ticket on those tall, blue mother*uckers?" and such. Today hepsd allready better, but he's still in a very, very bad mood.

OW: Well, we all wish him well. Kanto, we like Kanto The Emperor and we like it better than Avatar on Titanic!

JM: Exactly!

OW: OK now. Let's go to our second topic. Mr. Bearer, you are ........

PB: Make it quick, they have a mass burial of killed refugees in Liberal and I don't want to be late. Oh, I love mass burials. All the rotting corpses burning in the funeral pyre, oh yeeees!

OW: Um, yeah, sure. Well, Mr. Bearer, you are the one in charge of the campaign commercials for the Governor elections, right?

PB: Oh yes.

OW: What do you think of the campaign commercials of Kanto, do you think that they will be enough to persuade the people of Kansas that Kanto is the right person to be Governor?

PB: Oh, our campaign commercials are far superior to any other candidate's campaign commercials. In fact, I must say that I have never seen a better done campaign that Kanto's, oh yes.

OW: How do you see Kanto's chances of being elected?

PB: Oh I think his chances are very, very good, because, he is very well known in all of Kansas. However, there is the possibility that his popularity might be a negative one sufficiently for Jimmy, his greatest rivel to have a chance, oh yes it might.

OW: One more question at the end. Kanto's Empire has finally managed to build a fully functional hospital. As the minister of healthcare of Kanto's Empire, what is your opinion about our new hospital?

PB: I hate it! Now there will be less burials!

OW: Um, why did I even ask. Well, this is the end of our today's talkshow. I once again thank you for comming.

JM: Good bye Oprah.

PB: If you die any soon I'll give you a discount on a casket, oh yees.

OW: Thank you for watching The Oprah Winfrey Show. Next time when we'll see each other there will be most probably allready a new Governor of Kansas. I wish you a good evening and wepll see each other at our special edition talkshow after the elections.

[Kanto]

Good evening citizens of Kansas, I am Kent Brockman and I welcome you to today's special ITV 2 news. yes, today is a special day. Emperor Kanto has been elected the Governor of Kansas after allready losing to Jimmy, the mayor of Monongahela. This outstanding elections victory of Kanto will also be the topic of today's Oprah Winfrey Show later, here on ITV 2.


Kanto's Empire

-Kanto's Empire is celebrating. After Kanto was elected to lead Kansas a massive celebration began in Kanto's Empire. The celebration is continuing even as we speak and is said to continue 'til tomorow morning. We bring you exclusive footage from Kanto's appearance on the celebration:



-Several explosions were heared throughout Kanto's Empire shortly after the news of Kanto's victory. Also, Gowron, minister of military of Kanto's Empire has stated that the attackers tried to steal cars and poison people too. He said that one of the attackers was killed during the attempt and was recognized as an agent of the town of Liberal.

Kansas

-Elections hell in Kansas. Merely ten days after Jimmy became the Governor of Kansas he was overthrown by Kanto, who managed to steal one vote from Jimmy and to acquire many votes for himself. After the victory he plans to dispense UN aid to the towns of Kansas as soon as it will be possible and organize the massive rebuilding and reorganizing works in the state.

-However, not everybody seems to agree with Kanto becoing the new Governor. After the espionage attacks on Kanto's Empire by the town of Liberal, Kanto has declared the town of Liberal and it's mayor Lando to be enemies of the state. Kanto said: "kansas is a developed state and not some banana republic! I will not tolerate treason!" Lando's response was smewhat shorter. The only word he said was: "Nuts!"

-Kanto denies all of the accusitions of Lando of cooperation with the ASA and working on harming Kansas. Kanto said: "I, to work for James Cameron's ASA?!? You gotta be *ucking kidding!". Also, on the second part of the accusation he said: "I said it allready many times during my campaign and I say it now again, I love Kansas and all that I do I do for the benefit of Kansas and it's people. I would never do anything to harm Kansas and this accusations are merely Lando's futile attempt to lay a shadow on his treason."

The End

This is all of it for today's ITV 2 news. I wish all of you a nice evening. Also donpt forget to watch the Oprah Winfrey Show live from the celebration in the streets of Kanto's Empire next, on ITV 2.

[Kanto]

Good evening, welcome on the celebrating streets of Kanto's Empire to today's special election episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show. We are waiting for kanto himself to come by soon. Wait, here he is!



We must wait 'til he comes to a quieter place where we can talk.



OW: Congratulations on your victory Kanto. It was amazing how Jimmy allready has been elected the Governor, but soon after you took the post from him.

K: Yes, it was really a tough competition. I would like to congratulate him for his victory in the first round of the votes. The analysts predicted a very evenly matched voting duel and we had a very evenly matched voting duel. Though I must say that when he first took the post of Governor when he was winning 6:2, I was quite depressed. I have thought that this damn Cameron manipulated the votes. Hell, in my first speech today I was so upset that I forgot that I was speaking punjabi and not english. It sometimes happens to me that I don't notice which of the languages I know I use when I'm very upset. And this recent news about Cameron really made me very upset.

OW: Yes, I know. Jennifer told me yesterday. Now, I don't think that there is much you would like to add to your goals as the Governor of Kansas. After all, you allready said that all of that you allready stated in your campaign for the seat.

K: That's true. I said it all allready. I want to secure order in Kansas and make it a better place for the inhabitants of it. So far the link to the UN isn't working. I have been told that tomorow it might be repaired and then I will immediatelly request for a dropping of supplies. I will continue to ask for droppings as much as possible. I think that this active relation with the UN is exactly what Kansas needs right now to grow stronger and safer.

OW: But now a question that came to my mind after you said how you would like to deepen the cooperation between Kansas and the UN, how is it with the ASA? What is with them?

K: I am distancing myself and my Kansas as much as possible from the ASA. I won't support a country of James Cameron. I know all too well that the country isn't strong and stable enough to throw an democratically elected Emp .... er .... Governor out of his function just cause he's talking against the president. And all this talking against this so called president is by far not unadequatte. You see, I know James cameron for very long now and I can tell you that he's the one person that is worst suited for being a president in the entire galaxy. Hell, even a senile old kook would, like the one they have in Slovakia for president, would be a better president than Cameron.

OW: So, who do you plan on being the main supporter of Kansas if not the ASA?

K: I am planning to focus more towards the old USA and the United Comonwealth of Nations.

OW: Kanto, now a question that most probably everybody has been eager to know the answer to in the recent days. What are your relations with Jimmy, mayor of Monongahela?

K: Now I must do a bit of myth busting, because we are good allies. I don't understand why we should be enemies just because we are competing for a political function. I even plan to have him as one of several advisors, so he will actively be able to influence Kansas. Many people think that we are enemies because of my enraged speech about the elections earlier today, but I have allready stated that the rage was about Cameron, not about Jimmy. Also, many people use to refer to the backstage video before our discussion on TMI, but what these people didn't see and what they don't know that what they saw was a simple argument about who will win the NASCAR races once the track at Monongahela is rebuilt. Nothing more. So you see that there is really no reason to believe that we would be enemies.

OW: Yes, that is true. Well, now to my last question. Everybody heared the explosions earlier today. Also from ITV 2 news we know that the town of Liberal is responsible and that you declared that town and it's mayor Lando to be enemies of the state. Now I would like to ask you more in detail, what's going on?

K: Theese espionage attacks happened directly after I won the elections. I won fairly, 7:5, but Lando not just that he didn't support me, which by itself would be nothing evil in a democratic vote, however, he dared to attack my Empire, the capital of Kansas, with a covert operation of his agents. Now that is treason! And I won't tolerate treason! By this act he openly stated his disregad for the entire state of Kansas and the democratic votes. Also, he keeps spreading lies about me disabling the Hugoton oil fields. First, I don't know who this president Tomarchio might be. Is it the new Mexican president or what? All of Kansas knows all too well that the president of Texas is Chuck Norris, or at least a double of chuck Norris, that the president of the USA is still Barrack Obama and that the president of the ASA is, to my bitter regret, James Cameron. So who is this mysterious, and maybe even fictional Tomarchio?
Also, this Lando says he has a photo of me shutting down gas vents, I have it here, see. My intelligence agency gave me this. And now look at my photo that they gave me too, so I can better see how this Lando's impostor Kanto doesn't resemble me the slightest. Here take a look and compare:




OW: Looks like Lando didn't do a very well job in choosing your "double"

K: Haha, if his entire town is as proffesional and competent as he is, Kansas will remove this traitor very, very soon.

OW: OK now, it is time for the end so I would like to thank you for your time.

K: No problem. Am glad I could make things clear for the people of Kansas, after all, I'm their Governor. It is mu duty to keep them informed.

OW: Thank you for watching The Oprah Winfrey Show. I wish you a good evening and we'll see each other next time on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

[Kanto]

Good evening citizens of Kansas, I am Kent Brockman and I welcome you to today's ITV 2 news.


Kanto's Empire

-Kanto is no longer the Governor of Kansas. The votes have recently again switched to Jimmy's favor, who now holds the office. Kanto suspects once again ASA president James Cameron being behind his unsuccess. Kanto made a statement for us after he signed his resignation saying: "Of course Cameron is behind this. If something goes wrong it's allways Cameron's fault. But I am confident that I will regain my office soon. After all, it's only 9:9 now. The people of Kansas know well, who generously sent them UN fuel. I trust into Jimmy and I know he's a very good Governor. He's an unrivaled diplomat, an he has stated that he will try to maintain order in Kansas through diplomacy. I wish him luck ,though if his diplomatic ways should fail, the people of Kansas know that my iron fist won't fail." Also, just to bring you, our viewers a curiosity, after Kanto's speech, we heared him mutter: "God damn it, and I was just about to rename Kansas into Kantas. Couldn't they have waited just a few days longer?" Also, we bring you exclusive footage from Kanto's palace, as the president of the elections comitee came to Kanto, bringing him the document of the new votes results and Kanto signed his resignation as the Governor of Kansas. And I can tell you folks, Kanto wasn't very happy about it:



-The explosions in Kanto's Empire continue. As a precaution of theese explosions reaching levels critical enough to endanger the centre of Kanto's Empire, where Kanto's Palace is located, Kanto has made himself and his most trusted personel a bunker deep under the Empire. Military minister Gowron will introduce this bunker to the public in today's Oprah Winfrey Show, later, here on ITV 2.

Kansas

-Elections hell in Kansas continues. Huge unrest is seen amongst the people. Some refuse to accept Kanto, some refuse to accept Jimmy. And those that refuse to accept both of them, have found themselves a new candidate. Phil Constantino, the mayor of New Bern is is this man, although he never gave any statement about being a candidate for the Governor, the people apparently look up to him to take that job and lead Kansas. The famous and politically active drunk man from Monroeville said on this: "Huh? What could this Constantino bring that those two didn't? Jimmy wants to negotiate with all of them and Kanto wants to slay all of them, is there anything else than those two options? Nope, I think that not." When our reporter suggested that he thinks that the people want from Phil Constantino to try and maintain a balanced way between Kanto's and Jimmy's ways, the famous drunk answered: "Balance? What's that? Is it some sort of meal? How does it taste?"

-A larger scale conflict is emerging in Kansas. zzzaps continues to attack the city-states of the IDTC. recently also the renegade city-state Liberal joined the conflict on the side of the IDTC. We bring you Kanto's statement on this escalating conflict and the role, which Kanto's Empire will play in it: "Both zzzaps and the IDTC city-states are city-states with whom I have good relations and I value theese good relations above all, therefore I have decided that I'm staying neutral in their conflict. However, I will assist zzzaps in defending against the public traitor Lando and his Liberal.

The (former) US

-James Cameron fails horribly at the 82nd Academy Awards Ceremony. From the 9 nominations his Avatar recieved, he recieved only 3 Awards. Kanto was extremely happy about Avatar's faliure at the Oscars, especially since movies produced by Kanto Pictures were banned from the Oscar Awards for the next 40 000 years. The officials clamed this was because of Kanto razing the famous town of Springfield to the ground, however, it is persumed that this was arranged by James Cameron and was nothing more than part of his personal, movie making war with Kanto. The spontanous reaction of Emperor Kanto on the news of the poor success of Avatar at the Oscars, which we here bring you, says it all:



The End

This is all of it for today's ITV 2 news. I wish all of you a nice evening. Also donpt forget to watch the Oprah Winfrey Show live from the celebration in the streets of Kanto's Empire next, on ITV 2.

[Kanto]

Good evening, welcome to the Oprah Winfrey Show, today in Kanto's new underground bunker. Today our guest will be Gowron, the Minister of Military and Research of Kanto's Empire. Gowron has also agreed to make us a tour through the underground bunker.



OW: Good evening minister Gowron, I was looking forward to today's show. Partly because I wanted to see Kanto's underground bunker and partly because I would love to know more about the increasing military operations Kanto has lately ordered.

G: Qa'Plah Oprah, I will be glad to answer any questions, but let us first show your viewers the Imperial bunker they wanted to see that much ever since it was announced that it has been built under Kanto's palace.

OW: Very well. Lead the way.

G: There's not much to lead here. The bunker isn't actually very large. We have here only things needed for survival. We've got here exercise equipment

some weapons

a fairly large food supply

a small lake of water

some girls

and, Kanto recently also brought a pair of dart boards


That's all to our new bunker. This place really isn't big, but nobody can break in here, not even with explosives, so that's what matters.

OW: I see, well, so I guess we can now go to the interview. There's much that I would love to ask you. far more than how much time we have. So first, why is now Kanto's Empire in so many wars?

G: That's because we have a clear idea on how to run this state and we clearly don't want to tolerate city-states who are standing in the way.

OW: Yes, I heared about Lando in the news and Kanto was speaking about him too on my last Show.

G: Bah! This Lando is nothing more than a moron pretending to be a big leader. He's so dumb that he would probably be dumb enough to build a mining station in the clouds of a gas giant or something comparabely insane.

OW: Yes, but it isn't just about Lando. Kanto's Empire is at war with very many towns.

G: Then again, we are also allied with many towns too. As I allready said, we are simply utilizing our political ideas in the way we see fit. Which is mercyless warfare.

OW: And when do you think that this "utilizing of political ideas" will end?

G: I hope never.

OW: Um yes. Well, I think we should now go to our next topic. You are widely known as the Minister of Military of Kanto's Empire, but not many people know you also as the Minister of Research of Kanto's Empire. So tell us now, what is your work for the research in Kanto's Empire? what are you doing in this post of yours?

G: At the moment we are trying to start negotiations with the new US and the United Comonwealth of Nations to gain access to more advanced military equipment, however so far we weren't very successfull. We, and hell, we must have been like the only people on this planet, haven't so far recieved any new military technology from US president Barrack Obama and the only military technology we recieved from King Darth Jackson were plans how to construct a toy lightsaber.

OW: Well, then are there any successes or is it just a bad, day, week, month, year, life?

G: We DO have successes! We are very close to being able to build a rocket factory, which will produce rocket launchers. Then we can train rocket squads, who will be a nice addition to the Imperial Army. Especially enemy quads will fear them. Also, we have been experimenting with war pigeons to counter the famous Kansas militairy, although it is still not known whether the militairy is just a myth, a misspelling that accidentally spread through entire Kansas, or wether it truly is a legendary feared air force. But come to think of it if it were just a misspelling, it wouldn't be everywhere. No the legends of the militairy must be true! Well, now however back to the war pigeons project. At first we predicted it great success, but when we ordered the pigeons to perform a test attack on the USS Enterprise-D. It was only then that we learned that pigeons are very ineffective against Federation shields. However, a least the morale of the citizens of the Empire was boosted, because it was raining fried chicken. Or at least it did look like chicken even though it were pigeons. May they fight well in Sto-Vo-Kor!



OW: And who had this "brilliant" idea of using pigeons for war?

G: It just seemed logical. They are the symbol of peace. and if they can be used for peace, they surely can be used for war. Maybe we did a mistake in sending them to the test battle with Picard's Enterprise, but I still trust that they might one day find their way into the arsenal of the Army of Kanto's Empire.

OW: Well, now my last question Gowron, what do you think of the unsuccess Avatar experienced on the Oscars?

G: That's good. It massivelly improved the morale of the Imperial people. Paul Bearer is shouting even more oh yeeees than he usually does and Kanto, Jenny and Scarlet prepare another big celebration, like when Kanto was elected Governor. At the end I would quote Kanto, who after the news were out in the public said: "That's one small step for a man, one giant kick into Camerons mug!"

OW: Well, I think you for our discussion Gowron, I wish you a good evening.

G: Qa'Plah!

OW: Thank you for watching The Oprah Winfrey Show. I wish you a good evening and we'll see each other next time on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

[Kanto]

Good evening citizens of Kansas, I am Kent Brockman and I welcome you to today's ITV 2 news.


Breaking news

-A devious plot has been unrevealed and stoped just in time before it could spread doom over the entire Kansas. 7 city states: Savanahh, Independence, Jericho, Spokane, Satterfield and two other unknown city states were in fact a united network of bases of a conspiratory army that was preparing to wipe out all life in Kansas. It was only the timely construction of an ion cannon uplink by Phil Constantino, ruler of the city state New Bern, that prevented a massacre unseen in the history of the american continent. Before this conspiratory army could begin purging Kansas all of their bases were obliterated by the ion cannon. It is rumored that the conspiracy was a joint operation of Ravenwood and the Romulan Tal Shiar ordered by James Cameron himself. Here we bring you exclusive footage from the conspirative city state Savannah when the ion cannon hit it and destroyed it:



Kanto's Empire

-A great celebration was held at Kanto's Empire again, after Emperor Kanto became Governor of Kansas again and after the successfull campaign against the conspirative city state Jericho and after the premiere of Kanto The Emperor Episode 19: Horizon of Illusions.

Kansas

-Kanto The Emperor Episode 19: Horizon of Illusions had premiere in cinemas all over Kansas. The movie recieved mostly positive reviews and was classified by movie analysts as an averagely good Kanto The Emperor movie albeit most probably an above average successfull Kanto The Emperor movie at the box office. A movie analyst said to us: "It might be an average Kanto The Emperor movie, but it came after an extremely successfull Kanto The Emperor movie and after a phenomenaly successfull Kanto The Emperor season. That's why I think that it will fare very well at the box office. Though I strongly doubt that it will pass the one billion dollar threshold. I would compare it to Kanto The Emperor Episode 17: Invincible. It too was an average Kanto The Emperor movie but because it came after the phenomenal and phenomenally successfull Kanto The Emperor Episode 16: Unrivaled, it grossed over one billion dollars and became the fifth highest grossing Kanto The Emperor movie of all times and the ninth highest grossing movie of all times." We from ITV encourage all of our viewers to watch Kanto The Emperor Episode 19: Horizon of Illusions in their local cinemas. It is really an epic movie that none of you can miss.

-After big turbulences and several cases of vote manipulation Kansas finally saw a fair and democratic Governor election, which was won by our beloved Emperor Kanto. Kanto's first prommiss when reearning the Governor's office was that he will do anything possible to bring another UN aid delivery to the city states of Kansas.

The World

-The World is in turmoil. From the rumors that came through to Kansas civil war rages in Russia after Vladimir Putin's older brother Ras, who was persumed dead for several years reemerged and stabbed the Russian president Dimitrij Medvedev in the back on a press conference. Ras Putin then immediatelly mobilised his supporters in the far reaches of north east Asia to declare war on his younger brother Vladimir. However Ras' army is considerably outnumbered and underpowered compared to Vladimir's army, therefore many analysts predict a swift victory of the former president of Russia. We will show you the title picture of the TMI newspaper, which apparently got the news first. Damn, they just allways get all the news first.



The End

This is all of it for today's ITV 2 news. I wish all of you a nice evening.

[Kanto]

Good evening citizens of Kansas, I am Kent Brockman and I welcome you to today's ITV 2 news.


Kanto's Empire

-Emperor Kanto defends what is his by right. Hobbybob, mayor of the city-state Poeluk marched took control of the Kansas Rifle Factory earlier today. Kanto didnpt hesitate a single day and composed a strike force which he led to reclaim the Rifle Factory. The mission was a success. Hobbybob was still there, but Kanto has driven him and his personell out of the factory in a not very peacefull manner. Here we have footage from a Freezone reporter that was interviewing Hobbybob shortly before Kanto attacked and defeated him:




Kansas

-Paul Bearer, Minister of Culture of Kanto's Empire has ordered mark the Western Times newspaper as ASA friendly. The reason for this is according to Mr. Bearer that the newspaper continuously spreads ASA propaganda. In an interview he said: "Oh, first they were broadcasting a marathon of James Cameron's movies and now they are trying to make the danger of the ASA appear lesser than it really is by telling us that everything was just a virus made by ASA that got released onto a few innocent city states. Even though hundreds of people, maybe even thousands of people saw ion cannon beams that day just as they saw mushroom clouds when the bombs hit Denver, oh yeeees." When asked how is that protecting the ASA when it after all blames the ASA too, he replied: "There's a difference, oh yes there is. The fictious story of the Western Times makes it seem as if it might have been an accident, or at least an action that wasn't directed at us, but rather on the USA. Oh, that makes directly blaming the ASA for attempted genocide of Kansas hard. Oooh, they don't want people to see the truth that it was indeed a planned offensive by the ASA directly on Kansas, not on the USA but on Kansas and that it definitelly wasn't an accident, oh yes."

-Several city states that engage in regular trade have reported their trading convoys being ambushed and hijacked. Rumors state that the infamous Lebensmittel Staffel, the remnant of the german Schutz Staffel from WW 2 is responsible. A WW 2 veteran living in Kanto's Empire said us that: "Forget about what you learned at school, Hitler is not dead. His defeat in WW 2 has only made him hungry, very hungry. His Lebensmittel Staffel is still roaming the roads in search of all the food they can just find for their fuhrer." We also acquired the last footage of Adolf Hitler, from a breached archive of the CIA. According to what is written on the cover of the tape, it is from the year 1950:



-A large fuel shipment arrived today at all of the city states of Kansas. The fuel delivery was requested from the UN by Kanto as a token of good will and solidarity with all of Kansas. Kanto stated that he plans on continuing to request aid from the UN as often as it only is possible.

-After the recent threat by the conspiracy of Cameron's Ravenwood and the Romulan Tal Shiar, Emperor Kanto has revealed that he plans to organize a music festival for the people of Kansas at Bailey's Tavern to boost their morale. Many local musicians from all arround Kansas have allready promissed to perform at the festival, and Kanto has also arranged the famous band Nickelback, to perform at he festival as well. Kanto has also stated that he would be glad if the ex-governor Jimmy, mayor of Monongahela could persuade Bruce Springsteen to perform at the festival as well, considering that he performed in Monongahela before. Many Nickelback critics however say that the band accepted the invitation to play at the kansas music festival only to escape the wrath of Prtugal, a country which they tried and failed to invade two years ago. Here is some exclusive footage from the battle near the coast of Aveiro. The footage is from the final stand of Nickelback and their retreat to the coast where their ally and transport Moby Dick was waiting for them to transport them back to America:


At day -400 the band of Nickelback launched a gigantic offensive against the country of Portugal. Resulting in a Major defeat for the band of Nickelback, deathcount expected to reach over 3000!


The End

This is all of it for today's ITV 2 news. Don't forget that Chad Kroeger, frontman of Nickelback will be tomorow's guest in the Oprah Winfrey Show, only on ITV 2. I wish all of you a nice evening.

[Kanto]

Good evening, welcome to the Oprah Winfrey Show. Today our guest will be Chad Kroeger, frontman of the famous rock band Nickelback and again Gowron, the Minister of Military and Research of Kanto's Empire.




OW: Welcome to the Oprah Winfrey Show guys, so who from you two is a Klingon?

ChK: He is. I'm not.

OW: Sorry about the question, it's just a bit hard to distinguish. Never mind, let's get to our discussion. Chad, you have recently announced that you are planning on performing at the Kansas Music Festival at Bailey's Tavern. Why have you decides so? What was the reason why you accepted a concert in such an unstable region as Kansas now is?

ChK: It was Emperor Kanto who persuaded me to perform at the festival. You see, Nickelback has allways had huge problems with people blaming our band of unoriginality and Kanto has proposed a possibly very effective solution to this issue.

OW: What for a solution?

ChK: The eradication of all the people who blame us of unoriginality.

OW: I thought that would be it. After all, we are here in Kanto's Empire. Here war is the solution to everything.

G: Exactly! Everybody, if you want to eradicate some people, visit Kanto's Empire and we'll be glad to help. Of course we charge fuel for attacking other city states. Nothing is for free.

OW: Chad, as we all well know, you aren't new to warfare. You allready invaded Portugal once, though not with the best results. Could you please tell us what happened more than two years ago in Portugal?

ChK: First of all, you need to know that it wasn't really an invasion. We just went there on holiday and a strain of very unlucky accidents made a massacre out of it.

OW: What was this strain of accidents?

ChK: It began when a few people in Aveiro began following me and starring at me. Later that day one of them came to me and asked me: "You are general Martok, right?" I said no. But he didn't believe me: "You are general Martok, I recognize you. Klingons are warriors, they surely want to attack Portugal. That's why you came here, right? To attack Portugal!" I said, WTF are you talking about, I'm Chad Kroeger from Nickelback and I'm here on vacation! He then left, but he kept shouting Kingons at us, so we decided to show him that we indeed are rockers and nor Klingons, so we arranged a concert near the coast of Aveiro. However the group of people who thought that I am general Martok followed us on the concert and they began throwing grenades at the stage. Luckily they were dumb as hell and they didn't know that they have to charge the grenades first before throwing them. I was so mad when I got a headshot with one of theese uncharged grenades that I cherged it and threw it into the crowd. Then it exploded and killed a dozen of those bastards.

OW: And you're saying it wasn't an invasion, right?

ChK: Um, at least not a planned one. We heared some shoting after the explosion. Probably the police tried to shoot the grenade throwing maniac, which by pure accident happened to be me. To defend ourselves we began picking up the rest of the uncharged grenades and began cherging them and throwing onto the crowd to cover our retreat. Moby Dick, our manager was waiting near the coast to pick us up and we escaped from Portugal and from Europe. None of us got hurt but later we found out that with the grenades we killed over three thousand portugal people.

OW: Ungh, I guess you're not very popular in Portugal anymore.

ChK: You kiddin' I have fourteen death sentences waiting for me there. The other band members are loosers, they have only a dozen death sentences. One luck we have a whale as a manager or we wouldn't have been able to escape from that wretched country.

G: Was an epic battle, too bad that there isn't more than that small video they aired at the ITV 2 news yesterday.

ChK: Hell yeah, the pert when we began throwing grenades was awesome. That's what they have for blaming us of unoriginality and of being Klingons.

OW: Well, thank you for the interview Chad, now I would have a few questions to Gowron. Gowron, how is the Imperial Army doing?

G: We are doing very well. At this moment we have here a time of relative peace, but we are fully ready for war when it'll break out and I tell you that it will break out.

OW: Any new technological advances the army has made?

G: We are negotiating with two sorces that could give us access to new military hardware however, at this time Kanto would prefer to keep the names of theese sources secret. But don't worry, we plan on revealing those sources tomorow for the ITV 2 news.

OW: Can you spoil something for us about the origin of the technology today allready?

G: Only that we are talking about very advanced and deadly technology.

OW: OK then, thank you both for comming and I wish you a good evening.

ChK: See ya.

G: Qa'Plah!

OW: Thank you for watching The Oprah Winfrey Show. I wish you a good evening and we'll see each other next time on the Oprah Winfrey Show.